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The bacon vodka is 3 days old, sitting in the fridge, and boy howdy is it looking ….horrible. The vodka itself is murky, yellow, and coated on top with a sheet of fat globules. Observe:

I know, I know, this stuff looks horrible, but I swear there are some ways to consume it that won’t make you retch (maybe). I’ll post the final product and some drink recipes next time!

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Throughout the days of adventuring here in southern Baltimore one comes across something special every now and then. An old man pooping in a parking lot, maybe, but in this particular instance I’m referring to a magical concoction that was briefly served at Captain Larry’s known as bacon vodka.

There’s really no further pretext necessary, if the idea of bacon flavored vodka makes you nauseated then you’re probably a pretty normal human being. But the stuff is actually pretty good when mixed properly with the right combination of mixers.

At any rate, I started making a batch of the stuff last night with a 5th of Smirnoff. I cooked up 8 strips, trimmed the fat, shoved the cooked product into my handy dandy Green Door growler, poured the vodka over the bacon and sealed the jug. Almost immediately globules of fat started dissolving into the mix. This is gonna be some bacony ass vodka. Expect pictures later on this evening.

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My BFF and I have been noting as of late the pervasiveness of general malaise that seems to ooze from Federal Hill proper on the weekends. Stabbings, melees, loud and drunken horror that seems to outshine any pleasantness that might come out of a weekend night seem to stick out in my head, and this past Saturday evening was no exception.

We met up with some girls who were hitting up the douchebar trifecta (Mothers, Mad River, MaGerks) coz they all had shiny dresses and pleasant perfume aromas and wanted to shake their wobbly bits, no shame in that, I’m more than happy to be a part of it. Things were going pretty much as expected right up until about the point that everyone decided to go to Ropewalk. After standing in Ropewalk for a while, not getting service and watching music videos on a giant TV screen, we’re standing out on the sidewalk and a very drunk girl is moaning loudly sitting in the back of a cab, with her friends loading in. Apparently she was yelling at some guy who was talking to her through the open back door of the cab and the guy didn’t approve of what was going on, so he slammed the door directly on her leg which was sticking out. Yeesh.

After getting a little disturbed by this, we decide to walk over to Mum’s (instead of MaGerks, which I think made some of the ladies a little upset) and that’s when it happened.

I’m rounding the corner and chatting when I notice behind myself a guy who’s laying flat on his face in the middle of the intersection. I instantly thought he had hit by a car and ran over, two other guys are trying to help him up. Blood is pouring from his face, he’s drunk as all fucking hell and I’m picking his teeth out of the asphalt. Well it maybe wasn’t the case that he was hit by a car and rather just plain fell flat on his face, but it didn’t change the fact that he was incredibly injured, his blood is all over the guys helping him up and my hands, and oh his teeth too. At first the two other guys help him up and he’s pretty out of it, he doesn’t seem to understand what had just happened to him. But after a few seconds of “you need to go to the hospital, man” and sounds of debate over the closest hospital from the others he suddenly gets very agitated and starts shouting “GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME. GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME. I DON’T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. I’M NOT GOING TO THE HOSPITAL.”

This astonished look of just ‘what… the… fuck.’ creeps over my face as they lead this guy over to the corner and try to sit him down. They tried to get him into a cab, but he wasn’t having it. The only question the cab driver had was “Does he have money?” and the astonished look just sort of melts into disgust. I’m still holding his teeth in my bloody hands.

Well fortunately after a minute or two, the other girls came back to us from running into Ropewalk in search of some milk to put the teeth in. They didn’t have any, but they did have creamer. So I plopped the teeth into the creamer, handed the cup to the guy and gave him a big ol’ PEACE OUT, and went to Mum’s.

….jesus

Mum’s was fun.

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I can’t get it out of my stupid fat head, I blame Mandy. DAMN YOU MAAAAANDY

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Researchers at the NIH recently concluded a three year, $104 million study examining the survival qualities of individuals broken up into two cohorts: those that wear Under Armor brand athletic apparel while engaging in physical activities, versus those that do not. On Sunday in an article published in Nature, the findings concluded that it is, in fact, possible to engage in physical activities without adorning Under Armor brand sports apparel.

Commenting on these startling conclusions, researcher Paul Weintraub noted, “Despite the fact that human beings as a species had somehow managed to lift weights or jog outside without the benefits conferred by Under Armor brand sports apparel, their perceived levels of dedication and intensity were severely diminished prior to the advent of Under Armor and its superior breathability. As it turns out, the entire world was wrong.”

Scientists organized the study in a double-blind fashion by providing test subjects with a) Under Armor brand sports apparel, and b) sports apparel made to look like Under Armor, but was in fact not Under Armor. The test subjects were then instructed to exercise as normal, under the close observation of trained data collectors. Much to the observers’ shock, none of the subjects in the placebo group dropped dead or had increased difficulty performing their activities. One observer, who prefers anonymity, stated “We all thought this was some kind of joke. We knew at least half of us had to be observing placebo subjects, but honestly thought at first that all of our subjects were wearing Under Armor brand sports apparel due to their levels of performance.”

Nevertheless, after months of exhaustive data collection and six grant extensions the evidence is incontrovertible; working out without wearing Under Armor brand sports apparel will not decrease the effectiveness of the exercise activity nor contribute to an early death.

However it should be noted that these results are not without controversy. Many claim that the placebo sports apparel was so similar in design to Under Armor brand sports apparel that it in fact mimicked what many refer to as “The Under Armor Effect,” and are calling for a renewed study in which test subjects are blindfolded while they exercise and provided sports apparel that appears entirely different in design than Under Armor brand sports apparel. Dubbed a “triple blind study,” the estimated cost to tax payers would exceed six billion dollars. Considering the implications to the exercising public, the issue will be a live wire for future debate.

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So everyone loves Restaurant Week, where 90+ Baltimore area eateries get together and decide that they don’t get enough customers and give patrons a legitimately good deal on a 3-course meal ($30 for dinner, $20 for lunch at most places). It’s great, a wonderful excuse to spend money on eating out, and usually a great opportunity for people watching, seeing some of the people that instantly jump at the opportunity to eat at Ruth’s Chris or any other perceived ‘fancy’ restaurant (seriously it’s hilarious).

But, while looking though the alphabetized list of establishments I couldn’t help but notice some of the entries didn’t…. quite fit.

For instance, probably the most screaming example - ESPN Zone. Really? ESPN Zone?

“Oh snap brah it’s restaurant week! Let’s fukkyn go to ESPN Zone and get some wings and brew and $10.00 in tokens and play some of that freethrow game! HELLA SWEET”

Actually, looking at the menu they provide, and if you squint your eyes really tightly, you couldn’t really tell that these food selections came from a sports-and-entertainment themed tourist trap, save for the ‘Sudden Death Brownie’ dessert selection. Pretty surprising actually. But, if you look at what say, Dave and Buster’s provides, you’d be pretty hard pressed to think of any reason to take such a somewhat unique opportunity such as Restaurant Week and squander it on Tortilla Soup. But, I suppose if you’re the type of person who would normally frequent these establishments or honestly thinks that P.F. Chang’s China Bistro provides too irresistible a deal to pass up during Restaurant Week, well you’re getting what you deserve.

Now the agonizing task of figuring out which place to go to begins….

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IMMEDIATELY

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I an effort to beef up the already totally lopsided attention that the blog/front page of this website enjoys, I’m going to be somewhat overhauling the template for said blog to include an additional column on the left side for added content (stuff like random gallery photos). additionally i’ll be adding threaded comments so people can directly reply to others’ comments rather than having them all out of order. in the distant future, the phpBB3 user accounts will be linked to the blog so commenting on the blog/ being logged into the forum are one and the same.

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